


Karkat VS. Nature

by orphan_account



Series: Loosely-Connected Wonder Stories [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fire Shenanigans, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Red Romance, Shenanigans is a funny word, Tents that refuse to cooperate, This Is STUPID, camping trip
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-08-21
Updated: 2012-08-25
Packaged: 2017-11-12 14:00:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/491829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat, John, Kanaya and Rose all go along on a camping trip. Hilarity ensues as Karkat can't understand how to start a fire, put up a tent or deal with the fact that there might be bears out there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I spy something beginning with...

**Author's Note:**

> This is the start of a series of Loosely-Connected Wonder Stories!

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS. You are 10 SWEEPS OLD, and you have no idea why you're currently sitting in a human car with Kanaya, Rose and John going to the middle of some random-ass forest in the middle of nowhere. You're not even sure how you got convinced. It was John's idea to go, Kanaya and Rose wanted to go and they kept nagging you every time you went to the thermal hull for a bottle of that human beverage beer until you broke down and agreed to come. Either you were that drunk, or just that desperate not to hear John say: "But it'll be fun!" one morefucking time.

Whatever happened, happened.

John is driving, you're in the passenger seat and Kanaya and Rose are in the back seat, going through a checklist of items. John decides it'll be a blast to play a ridiculous wiggler's game called "I Spy" while you silently think about bailing out.  
  
"I spy...something beginning with C" John says, looking at you. "Karkat?"  
"If it's 'car', then I'm going to kill us all."  
"Cone?" Rose says from behind you. "We passed one just now."  
"Yep! Your turn Karkat!"  
"Alright then, I spy with my fucking eye, something beginning with R."  
"Road?" says John.  
"...Shit."  
"Come ON Karkat! You have to do better than that! Try again!"  
"No, it's Kanaya's turn!" you say, looking at a road map.  
Kanaya looks up from her checklist. "Hmm?"  
"Your turn to play this stupid game."  
"Okay..." she says, looking out the window. "...I spy something beginning with W."  
"Beginning with W? Gee, that's a tough one!" John ponders for a moment, taking his attention dangerously off the road. "Wingbeast?"  
"That's correct John."  
"John, where'd you learn troll animal names?" asks Rose.  
"Just listening to the trolls talk sometime."  
"Okay..." Rose says. "I spy...something beginning with...L" she says, looking at Kanaya.  
John pipes up before anyone else. "Um...Lights?"  
"No."  
"Lovely?" says Kanaya.  
"Close enough." Rose replies, before nuzzling Kanaya.  
You turn to face Kanaya. "As your moirail, I'm obligated to support you no matter what matesprit you choose, but that is the _fourth fucking time_ she has used this stupid game to get lovey-dovey and I swear to every deity that may exist that if she does it one more time, I will have to have a serious fucking discussion with the both of you."  
"Oh, God forbid that Karkat gets us around a conference table." says Rose.  
"I will! I will get Terezi to represent my legal team, and you will be subjected to a four hour slideshow! And I won't even let you use the bathroom!"  
"Shit." says Rose with mock horror. "I'm quaking in my boots at the mere thought."  
"You should be!"  
  
Everyone argues like this for the next hour. You notice that you were on your own throughout it all.  
  
This is going to be a _long fucking trip._


	2. Chapter 2

You concede defeat. You're not in the mood to argue. You turn to the other occupants and tell them that you're going to nap for a while. Sooner than you would've liked, John wakes you up and informs you that you've arrived at the site.  
  
You grunt at him, and open the door. Stepping outside while yawning, you look at the forest. At the wingbeasts and the trees and the sky.  
  
You already wish you were back in your hive, drinking beer in your underwear, shooting people on _Call of Duty_. You look over to Kanaya, whose setting up a two-person tent with Rose, and John, whose got his own tent out. You look on the ground near you, to see your cooler of beer and your little tent in a pile.  
  
You walk over and pick up the cooler and put it to one side, next to the car, and you pick up the tent material. You unfold it completely before laying it on the ground. You pick up the bundle of support sticks that came with the tent. You bite your lip and start trying to assemble the flimsy sticks. You eventually have the tent in an upright position. You climb inside to check out the space and accidentally lean against the side too much.  
  
The entire tent comes down, and you proceed to unleash the mother grub of all F-bombs. People five miles away just think a nuclear weapon went off. Windows in cars nearby just shattered. You've most likely caused a tidal wave, such is the force of the shout. You eventually find a window to the outside, to the bemused face of John.  
  
"Need a hand, buddy?"  
"Fuck off." you growl, struggling to get out of the tent before you rip it to pieces and kick John out of his own tent.  
  
John helps you out of the collapsed tent and he picks up the ruined tent and begins to reassemble it properly, while explaining it to you, step by step.  
  
You go to your cooler while he does that, and pick up two cans of beer. You open one and drink a few mouthfuls. You might not think it's the best tasting drink ever, but it beats the toxic swill called Faygo that John brought. He finishes the tent, and stands up to see you offering the beer to him.  
  
He takes it, and drinks a few sips. You have no idea why you did that, but you had to thank him for putting up the tent. You go back to the car, and pick up your sleeping bag. You know that you won't get a good sleep with it, and you want your cocoon, but John said that a sleeping bag is the only way to go. The stupid, dorky, ~~slightly adorable~~ , douche.  
  
He goes back to his own tent, beer in hand. You turn to Kanaya, who is sitting in a foldable chair, with a book.  
  
"How long are we here again?" you call out to her.  
"Three nights, Karkat."  
"At least the sun don't burn."  
"You still might want to apply some sunscreen though." Kanaya says, throwing you a orange bottle. You put some in your hand and rub one arm with it, then the other. You then put a stripe down your nose and look up at the brilliant blue sky. You walk over to Kanaya and look at the book. "More shitty vampire fanfiction?"  
"No. Book on the Longest War."  
"Kanaya, really? That shit was nine sweeps ago!"  
"It's still interesting." she defends.  
"Not really." you say, sipping your beer. "The Cold War. That was interesting."  
"You're just saying that because Terezi bought you _Black Ops_ for your wriggling day.  
"Admittedly, that was the moment I decided to actually give a damn about human history."  
"Whatever floats your watercraft."  
"So, anything new in your life?" you say, running out of things to talk about.  
"Not really. You?"  
"Same. Except that I'm in some stupid forest."  
"Why can't you just relax?" Rose says, from the tent.  
"There's these stupid-ass flies everywhere, I don't think I have enough beer, I'm not in my home and I think I left the hall light on."  
"So did we. So did John. You're supposed to."  
"Why?"  
"Keeps burglars away."  
"Shit, I did leave someone to housesit, right?" you suddenly realise.  
"You asked Terezi. She said no. You asked Sollux, and he said no. You even asked Jade, but she had her own thing to go to."  
"I would've asked Nepeta, but she'd paint my walls with her stupid shipping charts and then build a pillow fort, wait there until I got home and then pelt me with marshmallows. And she'll leave cat hair all over the damn place."  
"So is there anyone in your apartment right now?"  
"I left Gamzee there with a mini-thermal hull full of Faygo and a few rap albums. He'll not want to fucking leave when I come back."

 

You look over your shoulder and see John, holding a batch of wood and some tinder, trying to assemble them into a pile.  
  
He is doing a pretty bad job of it. This is a troll's job...


End file.
